Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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