I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
