She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
