The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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