So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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