I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
