yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
