FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
