yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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