P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
