I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
