just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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