Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
