The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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