Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
