I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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