Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
