Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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