bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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