Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
