Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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