just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
