Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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