Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
