I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
