he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
