Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
