I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
