i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
