I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
