You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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