I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
