those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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