I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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