I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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