Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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