if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
