but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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