Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
