I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
be right there i have to get my cape
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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