i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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