i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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