she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
