i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
