btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have feelings that need drinking.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
