i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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