Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You're like the curious george of whores
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
