I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
