OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
