you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
