dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
