Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
