6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
we made out on top of his cat.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Randomize
