that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
