apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
